The Wound

The last two weeks had been crazy for me. I was in an emotional roller coaster. I could not think well, my focus was diverted, and my car slammed into a wall because I was not thinking. It's all because of THAT meeting with my ex at a church he's pastoring.

History: When this blog started, I was a brokenhearted 21-year old girl. I just broke up with that guy whom I thought was serious with me, loved me, and would keep me forever. I wanted to be a pastor's wife, and this guy was a good one. I admired him for his charisma, leadership, PR skills, and passion towards the ministry. I could totally see myself in him. We broke up because he was not really ready to commit. He was still enjoying his singlehood with many girls wanting him. It was actually a stressful relationship, full of guessing games, and jealousy around us.

So I moved on with a deep wound in my heart. I remembered my prayers before, "Lord, I know there are so many fish in the pond, but I want THAT fish!" I was desperate. I really loved him. Then life took over - I traveled with my friends, left my full-time instructor job, went to Palau to become a 6th grade teacher, met Alex, went to US twice, and got married. I was aware of the unhealed wound, but I did not do anything about it. I did not buy meds to heal it. I did not go to the doctor to fix it. It was just there. When my ex messaged me sometimes in the previous years, the wound hurt, but I would just tell myself, "It's okay. You're not going to see him anyway. You can just ignore him." I was hoping time would heal it. The wound would bleed at times when we communicated and caught up with our lives, but I would just apply first aid, which was the monologue I mentioned above.

All the while, Alex told me to deal with it, even before we got married. He knows the hangups I've had with this guy, and each time I get on an emotional roller coaster I'd tell him, "It's fine. I can handle this ( I will just put a band aid on the wound.)"

October 11, 2014, we met after 9 years. I was at his church to watch the Heritage Singers concert. I avoided him when I saw him, but he tapped my back later on. I hugged him initially, and I could see he was happy to see me. When I arrived home, he messaged me saying, "I wish you could have stayed longer. That was the highlight of my life in the past decade." I was fine that night, but got into a roller coaster again days later. That's when I realized the wound was still there, and I had not really forgiven him.

October 25th, 2014, we met again. We talked until 4:15am. I needed it so I could close this chapter of my life. All the while, he thought I have moved on. He had no idea I was going through an emotional roller coaster. He really thought I was being a friend to him in the past years because I talked to him and was being nice.  During the talk, we laughed, reminisced the past, explored what ifs, his family, my family, etc. We were talking like friends. That was what I needed. Finally, I told him I have forgiven him. He told me a few times I have this one trait he could not forget about me: I sometimes do the thinking for him, especially when trials come. I took that as a compliment. I am indeed like that. I am not dependent, I am good in problem solving, and I do not sulk. I think of solutions right away. Alex appreciates the same way, although he has not articulated it. Well, this trait is hard to find. Not so many girls are like me. :)

The conversation was good. It helped me. We prayed after. His prayer was heartwarming, sincere, and godly. He held my hand, and we hugged tight. I found a friend in him. I know he is more than the guy I knew back in 2005. He has a good heart.

So that was the end of that chapter. I actually drew closer to God after that meeting. My Savior and I got closer. I think that wound was the one that's holding me up. I told Alex before he left to Panama a week ago, "I will be a better woman after the talk." He said, "I am afraid you will have more questions though." Well, there are no more questions, only joys.

Thank you, EC. You are very much appreciated. We both needed that talk.

Interesting meeting

Last Saturday, somebody tapped my back while I was buying CDs with my friends after a concert at a church. It was my ex. No big deal. Sigh*

Hi, it's been a while...

Hello, I am home and got some nasal congestion. It's a good thing that I stayed home. I need to catch up with cleaning, grading, and thinking about the future.

Well, two weeks ago, Alex and I decided to remove my IUD. Yes, we have decided to add an additional member to our family! No, I am not pregnant yet. We were just deciding on it. Alex has been ready to have another since Cinzia was born, so it was basically all on me. The ball has always been in my court. Weeks ago, we three went to Corona SDA Church to meet with some old friends. They have two kids. One is a 5-year old boy. When we were at their apartment after church, he and Cinzia just hit it off. They played, ran around, talked -- just getting along. It was a sight to behold. FYI, that boy and my girl are 2 years apart. I have always known Cinzia needs someone in her life to play and communicate with, especially after dinner time at home when she gets so playful, and there is no kid to play with. That fact saddens me. The sight of the boy and happy Cinzia playing nailed my wobbly decision to try for another one. That was it. Emotionally, I am now ready to face any trials - nasal congestion, tight budget, stress with toddlers during travels, etc -- just to see Cinzia giggling and being happy with another kid at home. Besides, Alex has always been an excellent dad anyway. He loves children, more than I do.:) So basically, I am doing this for Cinzia. I also miss having a baby at home.

About the future, law school is still in my heart, but should I go for Phd? I discovered something interesting today. There is actually a program called PHd (or EDD) in Instructional Technology. This is a mix of media arts and teaching. Isn't that so me? Right now, I am known at my school as THE teacher who likes integrating technology into the curriculum with the use of blogs, videos, writing scripts online, etc. It is actually fun, and my students enjoyed the activities as well! I am thinking of getting that Phd or just go to law school. I am planning to take the LSAT this December and see which law school accepts me. I have three options right now: Southwestern, Loyola, and La Verne, and my acceptance all depends on my LSAT score. For sure, I am going back to school next year, and by then, we will have the answers.