This year started off with not-so-positive feelings, with stress, with resentment. Honestly, since I have become a full-time mom and a full-time teacher, there were so many times that I had grown resentful of the fact that I do not have enough time to be home and do "mommy" stuff for Cinzia and "wifey" stuff for my husband. Why am I working so hard? Why can't Alex have a job that pays as much or higher than mine, so I can relax a bit and spend more time at home? Why is Alex the one (working) at home? So many questions.
Before I came here in the US, I already knew things would be difficult. 2008 was the worst year for the US economy. So many people, including Alex, lost their jobs. When we got married that year, we did not have a car, we lived in a very small studio place, we lived in a meager income, we did not have health insurance and other insurances needed, etc. Five years later and after materializing some of our shared goals as a couple, our lives have completely changed. Money is not an issue anymore. We have two cars, and we can afford to go on a vacation every year. More importantly, Cinzia is healthy and happy. However, despite these wonderful changes, Alex and I had grown apart. I saw him in a different light. We are not as in love as we were before. We mostly did not connect in our conversations. It was frustrating and stressful.
So I decided to pray about these feelings, for him, and for God's will. Actually, this is my only New Year's resolution. It was not an easy journey with myself. Thankfully, God has heard me and opened my heart to the lessons He is actually teaching me with this situation.
1. Patience - I have to have faith that things will fall in place in God's time. We cannot change things overnight. Waiting is worthwhile.
2. Trust in Him - Remember the verse, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart?"
3. Trust in my husband - I know Alex as a very dependable guy. He is family-oriented, has a big heart, and is very patient. Most importantly, He is God-fearing. Aren't these good qualities?
4. Thankfulness - So many blessings have come. As I said, our lives have completely changed since we started as a family.
5. Contentment - Whatever we have, I have to be contented. Life is not a competition.
6. Putting God first - Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you."
I admit, it is not easy to learn these things. I earnestly pray that God will help me open my hearts to the lessons He is teaching me. I cannot appease myself alone. I need him.
I also want to apologize to Alex for the bad changes I made in myself that almost ruined our marriage. I had grown to be resentful and bitter, and it changed me completely. I also saw him in a different light. I allowed that to happen. I am now realizing these things, and I am thankful God has "slapped" me to reality, to the person He wants Rica to be.
I will continue to change for the better. I will continue to learn the lessons He is teaching me. By God's grace, I will become a joyful wife and mother once again. Nothing is impossible with God. I do not want to grow old bitter and resentful. I only live once and I want to make my life worthwhile.
