5 Things That Cause Us to Drift Spiritually (crosswalk.com)

1)  An Out-of-Control Schedule.

Ephesians 5:16
Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

One of Satan’s greatest weapons against our generation seems to be his ability to make good people busier than ever before. We so often sacrifice the best things in life by spending time doing things that are just “pretty good.”

If you desire to walk closely with God, you will absolutely, necessarily have to begin by taking a close look at your calendar. It is likely that you are currently doing too much. And it is also likely that your overly hectic schedule is affecting your relationship with God. So take out your pruning shears and begin to cut out any activities you can that will allow you to focus more time on your relationship with your Creator.

2)  Misplaced Affections

1 John 2:15
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

Be careful not to set your heart on things that really don’t matter. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen good people lured away from church life because they have fallen in love with things or activities that have no eternal merit. For example, children’s sports can certainly be a thrilling activity for your kids to pursue. But if those sports begin to adversely affect the spiritual involvement and development of your family, then pull the plug immediately.

3)  Discouragement

During the past couple decades that I have served as a pastor, I have often watched Satan using his weapon of discouragement to drag people away from spiritual activities. I have seen it many more times than I can number.

When the trials of life cause a person to become discouraged, he often begins focusing on those problems and takes his eyes off of Christ. It reminds me of when Peter walked on the water. He did great until he took his eyes off of Jesus and began looking at the waves beneath him and the clouds above him.

It is important for you to know that when life’s clouds grow dark and your trials become fierce, that is the time to run TO Jesus and not FROM Him.

4)  Abundance

1 Timothy 6:10
For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

We Americans are so fat with our own prosperity that we often make wealth our god and not the true King of heaven. This has also been a recurring theme throughout the entire Bible. People struggle, God blesses them, they become prosperous, and then they depart from God. Ironic, isn’t it?

The chances are great that you probably do not feel like you are prosperous. But the reality is that nearly all Americans are extremely blessed and have more abundance than the vast majority of the population of the planet. If you are an American, you are most likely already a “One-Percenter” (wealthier than 99% of the world’s population).

People of abundance often choose recreation over worship. Why go to church if you could be out golfing, boating, camping, or going to movies or sporting events?

Satan wants us to be prosperous, because our prosperity and abundance often lure us away from our Creator.

5)  Parasitic Sins

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

Many people begin to drift away from God, because they have sins in their lives that cause them to feel guilt when they show up at church. And they feel reluctant to pray or read their Bible when they know they have these issues in their lives.

Recently, I stumbled upon the most revolting video I’ve ever seen (through my Facebook news feed). The video showed an eye surgeon removing a parasite from a human eye. I won’t go into detail. That brief description alone is enough to send chills down the spines of many. All I can say is that the video was even worse than what you’re thinking right now!

When I watched that video, it dawned on me that many people have sins in their lives that are damaging them just like parasites in one’s body. And those sins will almost certainly affect your spiritual vision.

The solution here is not to run/drift from God. The key is to confess your sin to God who will restore you and make you whole again (1 John 1:9)!

How have you done in your journey with God over the past year or the past few months? Have you drifted? Now is the time to return. Call out to God before you are so far from the shore than you lose all sense of spiritual direction.

Why Garden Grove?

So I made my decision that Alex, Cinzia, and I attend Garden Grove SDA Church, a church 50 miles from our place. After 6 years of attending Burbank SDA Church, I thought some change would be good. My needs and my family's needs have changed. Here are my reasons, in random order.

1. It's a dynamic church. There are so many activities. Every Sabbath is special. They have mission trips every year, there is always something new..There are just so many things to look forward to!

2. Pastor is a good administrator. Pastor Dan Smith is such a nice guy. He does not treat us just a number even if the church is the largest in Orange County. He is a people person, good preacher, and loved by all,

3. There is a huge Filipino group, but it's not mainly a Filipino church (which I prefer). The Filipino group has its own activities too - retreats, Sabbath potlucks, afternoon services, and karaoke on Saturday nights. I miss being an Adventist in the Philippines, and it is a blessing to be surrounded by Filipinos. However, I do not want to be overwhelmed by their presence, which I am not, because it's not mainly a Filipino group.

4. Alex's relatives are there. I like hanging out with Tia Melitza's famiy. They are so caring and concerned. She is so sweet as well. If we are not in the Filipino potluck, they are there to accommodate us. Her sister's family is there too. And, oh, Tia Melitza is Cinzia's pediatrician.

5. The sermons are heaven-ward. They are uplifting, and they make me hopeful. The first time I heard Pastor Dan preach, I knew those are the kind of sermons I needed. I grew up in the church, I need "meat."

6. Music is great!

7. Children's programs are excellent! Cradle room is designed as Garden of Eden because that's what the theme of their lesson.

8. There is a good number of Hispanics, which is good for Alex and Cinzia as well.

Healing

Since Sunday this week, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. Man, it is hard. I have been on FB since 2007. That has been my de-stressor. I felt the need to do it for personal reasons. I need some healing. I need some break. Since that major meeting in October, the guy and I have been talking almost everyday, with mostly me initiating it. I just wanted to feel that we're really friends, and there is nothing more. However, the opposite happened. Yes, there's no more anger and bitterness, but the romantic feelings I had before need to be cleaned up. The memories of the relationship kept rushing back. Thus, I decided to have Facebook-fasting. I did not want him to be part of my day anymore. I did not want to see his name everyday when I open facebook. I just needed a break.

Since the day I deactivated my FB, I have been reminiscing the past, why I loved him, the good times, dug up some old emails, etc. A parent from my school who became a really good friend of mine said, this will come to pass. It just happened so it is normal to feel overwhelmed and sentimental about it, she added. It is just crazy how one relationship impacts your life. Believe me, this is not easy for me. That guy really had a huge impact. I did love him with all my heart. I gave my all in that relationship. So many would-haves and could-haves. Grrrrr... I agree. It is all new. This will pass, I am sure.

I can totally see him in a guy named Juan Pablo. Who doesn't know this Venezuelan bachelor who refused to say "I love you" to his "girlfriend." He wants to keep her, and he truly cares about her, but he just cannot say and mean those three words. The girls friend was going gaga. She was not secured. She could not crack the surface. It was a hard relationship. I feel her, although I would agree that Juan Pablo is a terrific guy. He is honest, charming, nice, and funny guy. The girl is way younger, and she needs to understand herself and her boyfriend more. However, she knew what she wanted, and she was not getting it. Thus, she was frustrated. I feel her. My ex and I were like that 9 years ago. He cared for me, I am his best girl, he's proud of me, but moving forward for him was too much...up to now. He is 37 years old, single, still going for a girl after another. He is not emotionally stable. He is a terrific guy, no doubt. However, that is not what I need. I still felt sayang still. We did not have shared goals. 

God is good. He gave me Alex, the guy who gave me that security and showed me what God's love really is. He is respectful of me, adores me, and trusts me. Despite my craziness and immaturity, he truly believes in his heart I am a good mother and wife. We had miracles after miracles in our marriage, and God has protected us and provided for us. It is actually an amazing marriage. Plus, we have an adorable daughter with a face that's a perfect blend of both of us. We are blessed. 

I am healing. I hugged  Alex so tight with tears streaming down my cheeks while he was napping early this evening. I looked at his face, the face God has given me to spend the rest of my life with. This is the guy whom I love now. If I do not give my all in loving him, what is point?

That guy 9 years ago is still special in my heart. I cannot deny that I did love him. He was a big part of my life. It is not going to change. I would still see him every Sabbath. But it's different now. He is not the guy I love anymore. He is not the guy God intended for me. No matter how regretful he is that he let me go OR no matter how deep my wound is, he was not for me and I am not for him. That I should be accepting very soon.

Four days out of Facebook is actually helpful. Praise God. 

Decisions...decisions...

Besides the craziness October brought, Alex and I needed to make some major decisions for our family.

1. Cinzia's school

I had Cinzia get a full assessment in early October. She is a bit delayed with her speech. The team of psychologists, therapists, nurse, and special ed teachers concluded that Cinzia indeed needs help in that aspect and then some. Therefore, she has to change schools. The team recommended Cerritos Elementary. It is closer to my work. However, Cinzia's class is from 1-4:15 p.m. Alex and I needed to figure out our schedules since I am not flexible. Should I quit tutoring after school? Should we move closer to her school?

2. Choice of church

My family left Burbank SDA Church in September, so we are trying to find a church. Since that Heritage Singers concert at Garden Grove Church, I have been eyeing that church. It's an hour drive, but I really like the pastor. His sermons are great. It is a big church, and there is a large Filipino group. There is also a good size of Panamanians. This is what I like for Cinzia. The church is active, dynamic, and fun.

3. Having a 2nd baby

Yes, I had my IUD out, but I changed my mind again. It is scary to have a 2nd baby. Alex and I are still processing my thoughts and feelings on this aspect. I am really struggling with this. It's hard to make a decision as big as this one. Other moms told me to just go for it. I should not think too much. Well, I think, and I care about my life and this coming baby's life. I have to understand myself first if I really, really want to pursue this plan.

4. When to go back to school

Law school or Edd? I have to think about this as well.

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Lord, please give me the wisdom that I need to make these major decisions. It is not easy, but I know with you, everything will go as planned. Please lead me where you want me to be. Thy will be done.

The Wound

The last two weeks had been crazy for me. I was in an emotional roller coaster. I could not think well, my focus was diverted, and my car slammed into a wall because I was not thinking. It's all because of THAT meeting with my ex at a church he's pastoring.

History: When this blog started, I was a brokenhearted 21-year old girl. I just broke up with that guy whom I thought was serious with me, loved me, and would keep me forever. I wanted to be a pastor's wife, and this guy was a good one. I admired him for his charisma, leadership, PR skills, and passion towards the ministry. I could totally see myself in him. We broke up because he was not really ready to commit. He was still enjoying his singlehood with many girls wanting him. It was actually a stressful relationship, full of guessing games, and jealousy around us.

So I moved on with a deep wound in my heart. I remembered my prayers before, "Lord, I know there are so many fish in the pond, but I want THAT fish!" I was desperate. I really loved him. Then life took over - I traveled with my friends, left my full-time instructor job, went to Palau to become a 6th grade teacher, met Alex, went to US twice, and got married. I was aware of the unhealed wound, but I did not do anything about it. I did not buy meds to heal it. I did not go to the doctor to fix it. It was just there. When my ex messaged me sometimes in the previous years, the wound hurt, but I would just tell myself, "It's okay. You're not going to see him anyway. You can just ignore him." I was hoping time would heal it. The wound would bleed at times when we communicated and caught up with our lives, but I would just apply first aid, which was the monologue I mentioned above.

All the while, Alex told me to deal with it, even before we got married. He knows the hangups I've had with this guy, and each time I get on an emotional roller coaster I'd tell him, "It's fine. I can handle this ( I will just put a band aid on the wound.)"

October 11, 2014, we met after 9 years. I was at his church to watch the Heritage Singers concert. I avoided him when I saw him, but he tapped my back later on. I hugged him initially, and I could see he was happy to see me. When I arrived home, he messaged me saying, "I wish you could have stayed longer. That was the highlight of my life in the past decade." I was fine that night, but got into a roller coaster again days later. That's when I realized the wound was still there, and I had not really forgiven him.

October 25th, 2014, we met again. We talked until 4:15am. I needed it so I could close this chapter of my life. All the while, he thought I have moved on. He had no idea I was going through an emotional roller coaster. He really thought I was being a friend to him in the past years because I talked to him and was being nice.  During the talk, we laughed, reminisced the past, explored what ifs, his family, my family, etc. We were talking like friends. That was what I needed. Finally, I told him I have forgiven him. He told me a few times I have this one trait he could not forget about me: I sometimes do the thinking for him, especially when trials come. I took that as a compliment. I am indeed like that. I am not dependent, I am good in problem solving, and I do not sulk. I think of solutions right away. Alex appreciates the same way, although he has not articulated it. Well, this trait is hard to find. Not so many girls are like me. :)

The conversation was good. It helped me. We prayed after. His prayer was heartwarming, sincere, and godly. He held my hand, and we hugged tight. I found a friend in him. I know he is more than the guy I knew back in 2005. He has a good heart.

So that was the end of that chapter. I actually drew closer to God after that meeting. My Savior and I got closer. I think that wound was the one that's holding me up. I told Alex before he left to Panama a week ago, "I will be a better woman after the talk." He said, "I am afraid you will have more questions though." Well, there are no more questions, only joys.

Thank you, EC. You are very much appreciated. We both needed that talk.

Interesting meeting

Last Saturday, somebody tapped my back while I was buying CDs with my friends after a concert at a church. It was my ex. No big deal. Sigh*

Hi, it's been a while...

Hello, I am home and got some nasal congestion. It's a good thing that I stayed home. I need to catch up with cleaning, grading, and thinking about the future.

Well, two weeks ago, Alex and I decided to remove my IUD. Yes, we have decided to add an additional member to our family! No, I am not pregnant yet. We were just deciding on it. Alex has been ready to have another since Cinzia was born, so it was basically all on me. The ball has always been in my court. Weeks ago, we three went to Corona SDA Church to meet with some old friends. They have two kids. One is a 5-year old boy. When we were at their apartment after church, he and Cinzia just hit it off. They played, ran around, talked -- just getting along. It was a sight to behold. FYI, that boy and my girl are 2 years apart. I have always known Cinzia needs someone in her life to play and communicate with, especially after dinner time at home when she gets so playful, and there is no kid to play with. That fact saddens me. The sight of the boy and happy Cinzia playing nailed my wobbly decision to try for another one. That was it. Emotionally, I am now ready to face any trials - nasal congestion, tight budget, stress with toddlers during travels, etc -- just to see Cinzia giggling and being happy with another kid at home. Besides, Alex has always been an excellent dad anyway. He loves children, more than I do.:) So basically, I am doing this for Cinzia. I also miss having a baby at home.

About the future, law school is still in my heart, but should I go for Phd? I discovered something interesting today. There is actually a program called PHd (or EDD) in Instructional Technology. This is a mix of media arts and teaching. Isn't that so me? Right now, I am known at my school as THE teacher who likes integrating technology into the curriculum with the use of blogs, videos, writing scripts online, etc. It is actually fun, and my students enjoyed the activities as well! I am thinking of getting that Phd or just go to law school. I am planning to take the LSAT this December and see which law school accepts me. I have three options right now: Southwestern, Loyola, and La Verne, and my acceptance all depends on my LSAT score. For sure, I am going back to school next year, and by then, we will have the answers.

My dad's journey to US permanent residency (COMPLICATED)

While I was on vacation in the Philippines this summer, my dad and I weighed in on the pros and cons of migrating to the US. Eventually, we decided to give legal permanency a try. Papa is retired now. His last day of work was last week. His case is tricky because he is an End-Stage Renal Disease patient. His kidneys have failed. We'll see what USCIS will do about this case. We are just trying.

August 8, 2014 - USCIS emailed and texted me that they have received his Form 1-130, marriage certificate with my mom, my birth certificate, my marriage certificate with my husband (because I have a different last name now), my naturalization certificate, and $420 fee.

THE WAITING BEGINS...

August 8, 2014 - Received a letter from USCIS stating they have received the application
March 19, 2015 - APPROVED
March 31, 2015 - Case is transferred to NVC
April 13 - NVC emailed me with the next steps to take
May 8 - Dad received the same instructions in the mail
August 2015 - Paid all fees, Waited for his NBI clearance, wanted me to wait longer to turn in his documents
April 2016 - Turn in all his civil documents
late May 2016 - got an interview notice for 7/5/2016 interview
June 27, 2016 - He got into an accident, can't walk, moved interview to 9/2
August 30, 2016 - Medical exam at St. Lukes, asked to stay for sputum tests for 3 consecutive days, advised to move interview and wait for 2 months for sputum culture (even though sputum tests show negative), ordered to call on 11/4, moved interview to 11/14. We'll see what happens.
November 4, 2016 - I called St. Lukes and they said Papa is ready for immunization.
November 11, 2016 - Papa arrived at St. Lukes, he was not immunized (because of his medical condition), but told he was cleared. St Lukes said they're going to forward his medical results to Embassy 11/14. They also told him that he had to be in the US by January 28, 2017 due to his medical results/condition.
November 14, 2016 - Embassy Interview - It went well.
Haven't heard a thing... I have been calling but they said we just have to wait. Status online says Administrative processing... (We thought the delay is due to his medical condition.)
Finally..
December 22, 2016 - Received a letter from the embassy saying Papa needed a written explanation from NBI about his unresolved cases. Since then, I have been calling NBI nonstop.
January 3, 2016 - Papa sent the documents needed by NBI Manila through LBC.
January 6, 2016 - NBI said they made a written explanation, and they worded it very well.
January 10, 2016 - Embassy personnel picked up Papa's NBI docs. (January 28 is fast approaching!)

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Current events :)

Well, the school year is finally over! It actually went by fast. My 2nd year of teaching 5th grade was a tough year for me. I started having 28 kids in my class, then a few discipline issues later, I was left with 26. Still, the discipline issues didn't stop. Our principal was right when she told me at the beginning of the school year, "You won't be able to finish the books because you will be focusing so much on the kids' behavior." I had the biggest class in the whole school. Thankfully, I did not have problematic parents who micro-managed me. There were times I got lazy with grading papers and I was behind for weeks. Besides this, I still kept my tutoring job which gave me $800-1000 a month of extra income. I have no idea how I got the energy to do all this. It is a God thing.

My relationship with Alex got better this year. Well, there is only one NY resolution I set for myself- to be nice to him in words, in thoughts, and in actions. So far, I have been true to it most of the time. He got a part-time job this year (which was a relief), we put Cinzia in day care full-time. My poor baby needed the formal setting and exploration with kids her age. We also noticed that she had a speech delay, so we really thought her being at school would be helpful. Since this year started, I have not sent money home for my dad's dialysis. (My parents were able to fix their financial situation and they are doing great now, without my monthly support.) That money goes to day care now, which is around $500/month. Yep, it is expensive. This is also one reason I cannot stop tutoring. At first, I was bitter. Why am I still tutoring when I already have a stable full-time job? Why can't I just stay home after work? Eventually, after reflecting and knowing more about myself, I realized that not only I needed the money, I wanted it. It gives me a few luxuries in life which otherwise I could not afford - eating out, trip to the Northwest, shopping, etc.

And, oh, I have become patient too. I learned to trust God more with our situation right now. What we have now is far from ideal. We need a 2nd car, a bigger place, another baby, etc. I used to stress about these things, but where will that lead me? It took a looooong time to realize that everything is not in my control. God is. I will just do what I can do, and pray for the desires of my heart. God listens, God knows.

So, it is June. This is my month! I actually have so many things to look forward to this month:

1. World Cup! I am for Ghana! Alex is for Germany!
2. Miss USA/Miss Universe
3. NBA finals - go Spurs!
4. my 30th birthday (I am celebrating it on the 14th. Invites are out!)
5. Trip to the Philippines!Wohooo!

So thankful for all these opportunities! So long!

Future

   Right now is the best time to update my blog after a long time of not writing. It is Sabbath, Cinzia is a bit under the weather, and we are home. She is taking a nap in this quiet afternoon, and I am stuck with nobody to talk to since Alex is at church.

   So many things had happened. I have learned so many things about me since I got married, moved to US, etc. I did not know that one actually continues to know more about him/herself even at almost 30.

1. I realized that I am not a housewife material. I tried very hard, but I am just not good at it. I am not good at cleaning, organizing, taking care of Cinzia, etc.

2. I love being busy. Ironically, this is not in relation with #1. I like to study, beat deadlines, learn new things, etc. This is the reason why school breaks make me miserable. I cannot just NOT do nothing.

3. I still want to become a lawyer. I have taken the necessary first steps - prayer, self-reflection, going to information sessions, read "Should I be a lawyer" books, and practicing LSATs.

4. I am not sure anymore if I still want a 2nd baby. It's unfair if I cannot make enough time for him/her because I do not like doing "home" chores.

5. I still like setting goals and making them happen. I like listing them down, their pros and cons, and formulating plan B for each in case it doesn't not push through.

6. I have finally found the adjective that best describes me - GRITTY! This researcher/teacher whom I "met" in one of my classes at Coursera.org taught me the word. Grit is living life like a marathon, not a sprint. It is working really hard to make your goals/dreams a reality. Even if you fail, you get up and start again. That's me.

This hits home

Motherhood...oh motherhood..How can I master you?

This article at cnn.com really hits home. I am treasuring this article because it makes me realize that I am not alone feeling the same way in this world. I am a mom, a financial provider, a wife, have dreams and ambitions for myself (only), and a husband who needs me as well.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/29/living/more-than-a-mom-irpt/index.html?iid=article_sidebar

Quick update

I just realized, I am trying to be a superwoman again. Thus, I do not have peace within me. I cannot do all my responsibilities without my Creator who led me to do these things.

Advice to myself (similar to what my OB told me): Do not be a superwoman. Trust and obey.

MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!

2014, here we come!!

Despite the blessings and God's grace poured upon me in 2013, that year was a bit tough for me - personally and financially. Alex and I set goals at the beginning of the year but we did not make it. My dad needed more financial attention because of his condition, and so we had to make some changes in our budget. Thus, we did not meet our goals - moving to a more spacious place and I quit tutoring (my 2nd job). However, it was a fun year. Cinzia and I went to 5 different states in one week, I became a US citizen, I was able to petition for my mom, and Alex and I had many date nights.

This 2014 will be special. I will turn 30!! It sounds so old, but that is the reality. I hope this year will be fun as well, and productive. These are my main goals:

• Teach Cinzia how to read
• Potty-train Cinzia
• Attend many spiritual gatherings
• Attend two weddings (my brother-in-law's in Idaho and my close friend's in Manila)
• Start with my next professional goal: Law or Phd (I have not made up my mind yet although I have done thorough research on both)
• Be nicer to Alex - in words, in thoughts, and in deeds
• Spend more time with God
• Read/Listen to more books/e-books

Others have asked us if we're still trying to have a 2nd baby. My answer to that is, our situation right now is not ideal for another baby. I have prerequisites. It would be unfair for the baby However, I feel bad for Cinzia. She needs a playmate, another kid to talk to. My heart cries every night when I see her so playful and giggly, and there is no one for her to share her feelings and energy with. I am actually torn, but I really do not know. My mind and heart are not one in this issue just yet. Maybe, it's not time. If God wills, it will happen. Let me just vent also that having a baby is overwhelming. It is stressful. It really slows you down. It changes your priorities and perspective. Alex has been patient and very good in dealing with Cinzia. I could not do what he did. It is definitely not easy. Most times,  I had to make choices like, should I clean the house or play with her? Make more money or go home and cook? Go on a vacation or send the money home for my dad?

I am overwhelmed with so many roles I have to play - mom, wife, daughter, employee. The pressure is wearing me down. It takes away a part of my personal happiness. I am not at peace right now, and I know there is only one source of peace - Him. Let me go to Him, and wait and see. I will get back to you soon.