Healing

Since Sunday this week, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. Man, it is hard. I have been on FB since 2007. That has been my de-stressor. I felt the need to do it for personal reasons. I need some healing. I need some break. Since that major meeting in October, the guy and I have been talking almost everyday, with mostly me initiating it. I just wanted to feel that we're really friends, and there is nothing more. However, the opposite happened. Yes, there's no more anger and bitterness, but the romantic feelings I had before need to be cleaned up. The memories of the relationship kept rushing back. Thus, I decided to have Facebook-fasting. I did not want him to be part of my day anymore. I did not want to see his name everyday when I open facebook. I just needed a break.

Since the day I deactivated my FB, I have been reminiscing the past, why I loved him, the good times, dug up some old emails, etc. A parent from my school who became a really good friend of mine said, this will come to pass. It just happened so it is normal to feel overwhelmed and sentimental about it, she added. It is just crazy how one relationship impacts your life. Believe me, this is not easy for me. That guy really had a huge impact. I did love him with all my heart. I gave my all in that relationship. So many would-haves and could-haves. Grrrrr... I agree. It is all new. This will pass, I am sure.

I can totally see him in a guy named Juan Pablo. Who doesn't know this Venezuelan bachelor who refused to say "I love you" to his "girlfriend." He wants to keep her, and he truly cares about her, but he just cannot say and mean those three words. The girls friend was going gaga. She was not secured. She could not crack the surface. It was a hard relationship. I feel her, although I would agree that Juan Pablo is a terrific guy. He is honest, charming, nice, and funny guy. The girl is way younger, and she needs to understand herself and her boyfriend more. However, she knew what she wanted, and she was not getting it. Thus, she was frustrated. I feel her. My ex and I were like that 9 years ago. He cared for me, I am his best girl, he's proud of me, but moving forward for him was too much...up to now. He is 37 years old, single, still going for a girl after another. He is not emotionally stable. He is a terrific guy, no doubt. However, that is not what I need. I still felt sayang still. We did not have shared goals. 

God is good. He gave me Alex, the guy who gave me that security and showed me what God's love really is. He is respectful of me, adores me, and trusts me. Despite my craziness and immaturity, he truly believes in his heart I am a good mother and wife. We had miracles after miracles in our marriage, and God has protected us and provided for us. It is actually an amazing marriage. Plus, we have an adorable daughter with a face that's a perfect blend of both of us. We are blessed. 

I am healing. I hugged  Alex so tight with tears streaming down my cheeks while he was napping early this evening. I looked at his face, the face God has given me to spend the rest of my life with. This is the guy whom I love now. If I do not give my all in loving him, what is point?

That guy 9 years ago is still special in my heart. I cannot deny that I did love him. He was a big part of my life. It is not going to change. I would still see him every Sabbath. But it's different now. He is not the guy I love anymore. He is not the guy God intended for me. No matter how regretful he is that he let me go OR no matter how deep my wound is, he was not for me and I am not for him. That I should be accepting very soon.

Four days out of Facebook is actually helpful. Praise God. 

Decisions...decisions...

Besides the craziness October brought, Alex and I needed to make some major decisions for our family.

1. Cinzia's school

I had Cinzia get a full assessment in early October. She is a bit delayed with her speech. The team of psychologists, therapists, nurse, and special ed teachers concluded that Cinzia indeed needs help in that aspect and then some. Therefore, she has to change schools. The team recommended Cerritos Elementary. It is closer to my work. However, Cinzia's class is from 1-4:15 p.m. Alex and I needed to figure out our schedules since I am not flexible. Should I quit tutoring after school? Should we move closer to her school?

2. Choice of church

My family left Burbank SDA Church in September, so we are trying to find a church. Since that Heritage Singers concert at Garden Grove Church, I have been eyeing that church. It's an hour drive, but I really like the pastor. His sermons are great. It is a big church, and there is a large Filipino group. There is also a good size of Panamanians. This is what I like for Cinzia. The church is active, dynamic, and fun.

3. Having a 2nd baby

Yes, I had my IUD out, but I changed my mind again. It is scary to have a 2nd baby. Alex and I are still processing my thoughts and feelings on this aspect. I am really struggling with this. It's hard to make a decision as big as this one. Other moms told me to just go for it. I should not think too much. Well, I think, and I care about my life and this coming baby's life. I have to understand myself first if I really, really want to pursue this plan.

4. When to go back to school

Law school or Edd? I have to think about this as well.

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Lord, please give me the wisdom that I need to make these major decisions. It is not easy, but I know with you, everything will go as planned. Please lead me where you want me to be. Thy will be done.