a poignant letter

i received an email more than a year ago from a guy who's also a member of www.adventistsinglesconnection.com. and i never forgot this letter from him. it has touched me. i read this a thousand times already and it has always moved like the first time i read it.

my name in the site is bigbaby, by the way.

*****

Bigbaby,

I am an Adventist man who is also a member of a generic "find-a-bride" site, where lots of Filipina Catholics about your age contact me. It's funny, but it seems fine when they contact me--a man my age--but considering contacting you is such a challenge. I guess that's because you are SDA and they are not. I can tell from your writing that you are very well educated while, of course, many of the young Catholic women who contact me do not know much English and seem mostly interested in getting to America ... rather than finding the man that God intends for them to meet.

What you wrote on your profile is quite different from anything else I have read ... here or in other sites where Filipinas search for a husband. You speak of mistakes made, being misled by your own interests instead of following God's leading, and about realizing the error and turning back to God's will rather than following your own into regrettable relationships.

If you knew my story, you would recognize that I am one who waited MUCH longer to turn back. And I have some deep regrets.But I always knew where God was, prayed like one long open prayer, while living a life outside the church. God never gave up on me, and finally, I couldn't resist returning. But even the return is slow ... but steady.

My reasons for seeking an Asian wife are many--not the least of which is that my sons are half-Asian. And that's simply where my attraction is. I don't want to put limits on the will of God, so I am open to whoever He points in my direction ... or allows me to find. But I sense that my natural attraction to the beauty of Asian women is inspired by God, and not anything I "invented" for myself.

My reason for seeking a Christian woman is probably somewhat selfish: I need someone to remind me not to stray. I need someone who will make sure that I go to church ... even when not feeling like getting out of bed on Saturday morning. I want someone who will not let me live like a Sunday-keeper who just happens to go to church on the Sabbath. I need a woman out of Proverbs and the Song of Solomon who will see part of her life's work as being the"task" of helping to guide he husband into the light and away from the "fleshpots of Egypt," so to speak.

I'm too old for you, Bigbaby. Don't feel embarrassed if you aren't comfortable writing back. Not that I wouldn't be pleased to hear from you or amazed if somehow I fell within the parameters of your search, but I'm a rational man with no illusions about where I am on the continuum. You have a lot more to look forward to than a 54 year old man--even one who might understand who you are and what you want a man to help you do in your life. Instead, my message to you is more about thanking you for reminding me that I am not the only one who has learned from drifting away and being willful ... and especially from finding that God is always willing to forgive and welcome us back. I hope that some young guy ... someone like me, but 20 years younger ... okay! 25 years younger ... finds your profile and feels the same about it as I do. God may be preparing him for finding you right now. Don't despair.

You are right to advise potential suitors that you are not interested in premarital sex. But when the time comes for you to lift that bas--when you marry--please remember that God invented sex, and that it is a wonderful gift meant to be shared between husband and wife with great abandon and surrender to each other. Never use it as a weapon or a bribe. You will probably face the temptation some day to use it as a tool to make your husband conform to your expectations ... but even if your motives are good, using sex that way can only diminish the beauty of the act and the depth of the intimacy between you. So avoid its misuse after you fully understand the power it will have over the man you will love ... and who will love you.

Crazy letter, huh?

Sometimes you just have to write what you feel you must. Know what I mean? May you continue in the direction your profile says you are going ... and not try to take back the reigns from the One you know should lead the way.

Curtis

****

just an hour ago, i came across his profile and found this:

met someone online ! Consequently I'm not looking anymore. I will leave the page as proof that you CAN meet someone this way.

By the way, she is a widow with two kids, an Adventist, and from the Philippines. She will join me here in the Spring.

****

wala lang. nakakatuwa. im happy for him. :)

nothing more to say and prove

i am back from bohol! i enjoyed being with my relatives. ill post pics here next time. twas a short but worthwhile vacation. but the highlight of all happenings happened last sunday night...in cebu.

i came home earlier than mama. i took the fast craft from tagbialran to cebu. days before that, i already texted earl to fetch me because i would be travelling alone and i dont know cebu very well. my relatives in cebu are in tagbilaran so there's no one to take care of me when i'd arrive in the heart of visayas.

as usual, he hesitated. too many excuses. earl is always like that. that was my 3rd time in 5months to ask him to fetch me from the pier or airport in cebu. when i arived in cebu pier, i just texted my not-so-close-friend to fetch me instead. she came. buti pa siya...

when i arrived at her house to take a few hours of sleep (my flight is at 5am the day after), earl texted. he said he would like to fetch me. too late..his strict father allowed him to make rounds in mandaue and lapu lapu to visit their security guards in different establishments so he might as well bring me along. i told him not to bother because i needed some rest. he would not believe me and so he went to where i stayed. he drove his car. yeah..he's already driving...

he wore the shirt i bought for him 2 years ago. the amicus shirt. hahaha.it had an "earl" at the back. i tried to recall where was my "rica" shirt that i bought together with his shirt. i sadly recalled that i left it in palawan last december. sad...i should have worn that too.

so i accompanied him around. he toured me. we went to different resorts and hotels checking out their security guards. earl has gotten stricter. poor security guards. they're reprimanded of their sleepiness, lousy uniforms, having no socks and caps, rusty pistols, etc. i laughed at him while he was talking to them. he's learning to be the boss...at 23.

while we were in montebello, he said many things about the past. our being immature, our letters, our tears and laughters. wala pa nato to nastoryahan diba?he asked. i helped him remember the breakup letter. he stopped me. it's not worthy to be remembered, he said. why? it was part of our past.

he said, "You just don't know."

"what do you mean?" i asked.

we gave each other our sweetest smiles.

my smile said..i did my best.. nothing more to say, nothing more to prove.

we exchanged the same smiles again when he got me at my friend's house at 1am.

but the message didnt change..thank you, earl.

im going to bohol

mama and i are flying to bohol very very soon. im so happy. it has been three years since i last visited my hometown. i miss the beaches, our house, and my not-so-close relatives.

the reason why we are going there is becasue my uncle from CA is coming and he's celebrating his 50th birthday at a very sophisticated hotel. he wanted his he-doesnt-know niece to be the emcee of his party and, of course, it wouldnt be complete if his favorite sister will not attend (my mother). the theme of the party is hawaiian. two days ago, i bought a cute skirt and blouse hawaiian dress. as expected, it's red. hehehe...

too bad i can only stay over the weekend becasue i have an exam to administer on monday, 8am!it would be better if it was scheduled later in the afternnoon of monday. at least, ill have more time bonding with my chinese cousins whom i havent seen for ssssoooooooooooo long. i know...i know...the exam cannot me moved so i have to be home sunday night.

yehey!i need this break. i need to travel again in order to be refreshed. welcome me, bohol!